Step 2 December 11, 2008
Thanks again for the encouragement. I know now, that I am not alone and that in itself is so theraputic.
So Step 2. Well, that is still in process, and I think usually the hardest part. If Step 1 is joining the gym, Step 2 is actually going and working out.
That is the part I am working on. Trying to figure out what to do when these down times hit and how to notice the triggers and avoid them. So in that sense, process in process.
A revelation did happen though. When I stated how I wanted to be loved, I realized that I am loved like that. By someone who so passionately and furiously couldn’t be away from me anymore, that He sacrificed himself because He could no longer stay away. The actions of a true lover. That is my God, my Jesus. That is fulfilling.
As fulfilling as that is, I also realized that there is in me a desire and a need to be loved like that on earth too. Thus the commandment for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. My interpretation anyway. While realizing this and working through it with David. I was able to put out there needs and wants that I have for our relationship. He too, did the same. Wanting his “bride” to desire him just as much and to show that desire and love. (translate anyway you want…all facets apply 
)
Step 2 is a good step and one to bringing down expectations, lifting up loves and realizing , once again, that there is always work to be done.
SO now, if I can just make myself WANT to get in the gym and workout.
Peace be with you.
Step 1 December 2, 2008
Thanks to so many of you who sent encouraging emails and phone calls. It has really meant a lot and made me realize I’m not alone. Just really emotional.
I have good reason to be. I (along with Audrina on The Hills apparently) have lost myself. Been gone for quite awhile and don’t know where to begin to reclaim my name. I have completely lost all intersections with the arts, which is really who I am. This has been a big part of my frustrations I think. Not having an outlet for my voice and no one to hear it. Why I am attracted to those things and people passionate about those things.
Why I desire passion in my life. I want to love and be loved…passionately, furiously and sacrificially.
That is where I am. Step 1 is complete. Now searching for step 2
Peace be with you.
Rainy Days get me down. November 30, 2008
A few things are going on: 1-PMS, 2-Cold and rainy(which I usually like), 3-Run down,4-totally bloated from Thanksgiving
All of these things add up to the bluey blues (thanks Wubzy)
I feel like I can’t get out of it. Feeling lonely, unloved, unloveable, empty, etc.
I know that most of these aren’t true, but see my first sentance for explanation. So I will vent on my blog. I sit listening, trying to figure out what I think, where I belong. I wonder if the answer will come, or if I will have to keep digging. I feel drained, on every level. Been there before, know how to get out of it. It is just what it is at this moment. I have lost too many friends, tired of fighting battles that aren’t mine (that is a good thing on some levels) and wondering what to do next.
I also need a date night with David, very badly. If anyone reading this talks to him, let him know that.
I need to focus and pay attention now, so I will wrap this up later.
Peace be with you.
The Prayer Room November 21, 2008
When David and I first moved into our house, he came up with the idea of designating a space for prayer. He grew up with a Quiet Room, where the adults could go and talk, someone with a headache could rest and people needing to study could focus. This was the basis for our prayer room. A room of counsel, rest and learning. We want our kids to see us reading our Bibles, going before the Lord and just sitting in His presence.
It’s also a place that we want them to see us reaching out. Whether praying for Frankie’s adoption process or walking with someone who is On The Verge (see Engagegod.org).
Our hope, is that our children grow, they learn to find retreat in this place too. Knowing that God is accesible always and everywhere, but something special about returning “home”.
We all have those rooms, that bring back moments of shalom. That is the ultimate intention.
Now it is painted a greyish-olive color and the furniture is coming together. We’re getting there.
Peace be with you.
Updates from the weekend. November 17, 2008
First off, thanks to so many of you for kind notes, comments, etc. Words that really soothed the soul. It is nice to have friends who understand you, in spite of the situation.
-Friday, I had a killer Cookie Exchange! I had never done one of these, and thanks to some very gracious ladies and 1 in charge Karen Trone, I think it went really well. I have eaten so many yummy cookies and we had some good laughs.
-Saturday, we were off to lovely Princeton, WVA! What’s there you ask, well, my parents, Conodor and Ryno and a wonderful new car that Grandma Taggart sold us. It was a long trip, but so worth it. My parents took Millie for a couple of weeks and my brother and his family will bring her back when they visit for Thanksgiving. I miss her terribly, quiet around here.
-On the way home the Reichley boys and I stopped at the Beacon for a…well…I guess you could call it dinner. I wanted their onion rings, and I ate about 6 and wondered why we came here. I can handle about once a year. Then we rented Journey to the Center of the Earth and had a family fun night.
-It is FREEZING this morning. 62 in the house when I woke up. Frost all over the place (which counts as snow down here). Brrrr.
-Had a good impromptu pizza night with friends last night. My kids are out of control and we are about to pull the reigns in. I have had it with the older two.
-We are going to do the rest of the Christmas decorating this week. I think we are having two trees. One real and one artificial. I can’t wait. Direct TV finally turned the Christmas music on! Yea!
-We had a good conversation about our alter egos. David’s is a mix between Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, mine is Gwen Stefani (no Doubt Gwen and now Gwen). Who is yours?
Peace be with you.
A bit frustrated…and trying to be ever so grateful November 14, 2008
I just got the call…the dreaded call. I have been looking at going back to work and it seemed as though a great job came along, things were lining up, childcare, etc. and now…a hiring freeze.
<Thank goodness for blogs, because I really don’t feel like talking right now.>
It doesn’t seem like such a big deal (I keep telling myself that) but when you have trust issues, especially with God, these things don’t help. I kept telling myself all week, as I tried not to be manipulative with my prayers, that no matter what, I would trust and have faith that God has my best interests at heart.
So the call came and I lost it
“You suck!” followed by a 45 minute REAL conversation with a being that I can’t see or audibly hear, but somehow we communicate.
So here I am now, deflated, frustrated, feeling all of my “issues” rising back to the surface (ones that I thought I had dealt with, do we ever really though?) and trying to grasp at truths.
I grab my Bible and To Be Told and flip to the section on Grateful Prayer. So dead on. A story about inviting the rain and the maker of it, and worshipping in it (not the midst of it). Then I turn to Psalm 22 (David knows how I feel). Boy does he ever. I was put in my place. Just read it.
Lord,
I want to believe, but help my unbelief. I want to trust in you, your love and your direction, in spite of the circumstances I am in. I desire to receive your love unconditionally, to not let expectations of myself, or others be projected into feeling that you are disappointed in me. Thank you for letting me come before you with naked prayer and selfish desires. You care about those and about me. Help me love you.
Amen
Peace be with you.
Thinking of doing a half…thinking. November 12, 2008
The great thing about races, is the addiction. Not to the actual race, but crossing the finish line. I love it, not only when I do it, but other people as well. So, now that Tri season is over (as if I partake of the “season”) I am thinking of something else to motivate me.
I HATE running. I think more than most things. On a whole, in the grand scheme of things. It is worse than say…childbirth, teeth drilling, slime eating..you name it. At least to me it is.
Trying to learn discipline and compassion in my life, I am trying to do things that I don’t like to do and change my perspective on them. Running is one of the main things. David kindly agreed to help me, on my terms of course! And I think I have the perfect race picked out.
The Disney Princess Half Marathon. It is expensive, but I think it will be my one and only and is worth it. With David’s family down there, we can shack up there and hopefully drop the kids off too. I am trying to get Gina to run it with me. Any other takers out there? Sorry guys, princess or not, ladies only.
Peace be with you.
Photo shoots, etc. November 10, 2008
What a week. Lost contact with the WORLD this past week, but all is well now.
Halloween was a blast. The kids had a good time walking around with Dad, while the other mom’s and I sat around the firepit and handed out candy. I think we had the good end of that deal!
Yesterday we had our annual family photo shoot with Jeff Hall. I think it went well, Jeff might have to work his retouch magic, but that is okay. The kids did pretty well, so hopefully we have some good pictures.
We area also getting some new neighbors! Dave Rhodes parents are moving up here from Rockvegas and have purchased the DEAL OF THE CENTURY right down the road from us. We can’t wait for them to officially move in and be part of the group!
Peace be with you!
Millie’s first haircut! October 30, 2008
We took Millie to get her haircut last night at Jellybeans on Butler Rd. They only charge apenny for the 1st haircut! It was a great experience! She did great. Here are some pictures, the side pony is thanks to her “stylist”, but she still looks cute!
